I harm because…

This is the first time that i have every put anything like this out in the world.  I have only recently admitted to my self that I might have a problem.  I am not the typical adolescent going thru angst.  I am in my 40’s and self harm has been a coping mechanism for me over the last 4 years.

My heart fills with so much pain that hitting myself, poking my fingers in my arms, stomach, sides; and thing to cause pain and a bruise.  This weekend reached a new level and pain.  I sit here today with my hands almost too swollen to type, black and blue along with my head that I rammed into wall over and over again.  I don’t know how to find help, where to find help.

Why am I doing this and what is this teaching my teenage daughters?