This is the first time that i have every put anything like this out in the world. I have only recently admitted to my self that I might have a problem. I am not the typical adolescent going thru angst. I am in my 40’s and self harm has been a coping mechanism for me over the last 4 years.
My heart fills with so much pain that hitting myself, poking my fingers in my arms, stomach, sides; and thing to cause pain and a bruise. This weekend reached a new level and pain. I sit here today with my hands almost too swollen to type, black and blue along with my head that I rammed into wall over and over again. I don’t know how to find help, where to find help.
Why am I doing this and what is this teaching my teenage daughters?
Searching for truth 
I totally get this. My humble take on this is … try not to show your daughters only because kids repeat patterns they see. If they do see, explain it to them so they have the choice to try not to repeat. If they repeat, don’t kill yourself with blame because we can only do our best and I’m sure you are. It is TOUGH being a parent, nobody is perfect. As for self-harm, I used to do it a lot, I still do in my head, and maybe I would more if I could but I try not to let it out. I think it happens when you grow up unable to express pain any other way. I suppose that means we have to find some other way. I still am not ‘there’ but I try to do it by writing out pain, talking if I can, therapy can help a bit, friends if they understand, music to get the rage out, even exercise and sometimes just knowing that it doesn’t make you a monster to feel what you feel. To try not to self-blame because we are taught to blame ourselves and why the heck should we blame ourselves for what others taught us to do? xo I think you probably do a lot more good in this world than you may realize xo tight hug
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